Crappy Coolers Icing My Love Of Picnics

TheFoodAss | Gear Reviews, General | Saturday, July 29th, 2006

For the past year, I have been casually looking for a new cooler. I have a small “lunch” size cooler I use when we hit the beach for picnics, and an old larger cooler for longer trips. I have been looking for a larger cooler, about 35 quarts that will hold my stuff COLD for a good chunk of time, lets say 5 days. Something that can be my primary picnic and camping cooler. Coleman offers one. A 36qt 5 day extreme cooler, that has been at the top of my list. The thing that has prevented me from taking the plunge, and dropping my hard earned 40 bucks, is the fact that the cooler, in general. Sucks.

You see, every fricken cooler is the same giant ugly plastic box. We’ve borrowed my girlfriends moms old-school cooler, it’s no problem because it is exactly the same as modern coolers. Big. Ugly. Plastic. Box.

I am assuming the reason coolers are so often measured in “Can” size is due to the fact that the only thing you can actually picture putting in one, is 30 cans of Busch Lite.

In fact, Coleman lists this cooler as “Attractive New Design” on their corporate website…. hmmm.

Coleman Cooler

It seems that adding a drain in the whenever 80’s was innovation enough for the next 20 years. Oh my bad. Coleman did introduce that bangin’ stainless steel cooler not too long ago…. wait thats retro..

Um.. Oh yea, both Coleman and Igloo have newer 5 day and 9 day coolers. That is kinda cool, except they are giant ugly behemoths.

I guess what I am getting at is. How come, even for a premium price, I can’t find a cooler with neat, modern features? Or a little design put into it? Personally, I’d like to see a cooler with the following goodies:

  • A Latch (!!!) Holy crap.
  • A refrigerator like gasket on the lid to prevent air swapping.
  • Drains on 2 sides
  • A neat little coiled drain hose, so I can drain it from my backseat.
  • More internal organization. You know, with configurable racks and dividers. There is NOTHING worse than wet, luke-warm cheese.. Jesus, gag me with a fricken’ spoon.
  • A cool reflective carry bag to keep it in. 1 more level of insulation when I’m not actively using it.
  • More high-tech insulation, does it NEED to be 2 inches thick to keep cold for 5 days? (if so, fine. Hey N.A.S.A, whats the story with that?!)
  • A little style and color. You take these things to the beach, to picnics, to the park when lookin’ for hotties. Why do they all look like Wal-Mart chose the color pallette. Barf.

Man, I think I might need to brush up on my cooler-construction skills. I havent been able to find ANYTHING like that on the market, and I pretty much rule at the internet. Until then, I guess I will just suffer with ruined sandwiches and wet cheese.

Or… be on the lookout for the new cooler.. It just might be the new hotness.


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