The Food Ass - Stop Eating Crap



The Ultimate Decision

TheFoodAss | General | Tuesday, May 22nd, 2007

I was heading home from work today with the dream of a turkey sandwich dancing through my head. I stop a new (to me) neighborhood grocery store to get the meat, and some bagels… oh, and I need chips too.

Disaster…. I stand there in the chips and salty snacks aisle fearing the decision that lays before me. My choices are mass-produced regular crap chips, or reduced fat Krunchers (Kettle style). That’s it! No regular kettle chips at all. Now, you know I absolutely DESPISE reduced fat anything, and especially chips, so what do I do?

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That’s right. I just bought reduced fat chips for like the first time in my entire life…. And then, I ate them. I ate the fricken crap out of them. These Krunchers don’t taste like total crap, they are not completely foreign tasting and devoid of any actual potato and oil flavor… these chips are pretty good. Pretty good in reduced fat language is excellent. The back of the bag says they use a hot air method of frying. The ingredients list, only shows Potatoes, and Corn Oil. I find this terribly amusing on a number of levels. One of which, is because of my dad. Why my dad? Well, for as long as I remember he has been telling me an idea for a potato chip and french fry fryer that uses ultra hot oil (and some other methods that I will not divulge here) to fry foods. His idea would leave the foods crisp, browned and flavorful, but with less residual oils. Reducing the overall fat (and calorie) content.

Well dad, I’m afraid you may have been beaten to the punch. These chips are good.



Some day:

TheFoodAss | General | Saturday, May 19th, 2007

Some day, I will write an epic novel on the invention of the Wet Burrito, and it’s origins in Grand Rapids. Until then, enjoy this picture of the original:

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Cheesesteak Attack

TheFoodAss | General | Wednesday, May 16th, 2007

I’m sitting in my office, minding my business when WHAM.

Cheesesteak Attack

And it’s bad. I absolutely must have a cheesesteak sandwich within the next 20 minutes or bad things will happen, real bad. I could hit a shop like Great Steak and Potato Whatnot’s… But I’ve had more enjoyable dentist appointments…… much more.
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So off to the store with the lightning quickness. Oh crap, it’s lunchtime, and that means mid-day senior shoppers. Senior shoppers cannot operate self checkout any better than they drive. Luckily, I avoid them. I’m able to make it out of the store with my loaf of bread, steaks, provolone, onion and banana peppers without incident. Quick too!

Back home and frozen steaks (3) into the pan, loaf sliced and cleared. You know, where you claw out the inside, the actually “bready” part. This sandwiches name doesn’t have bread in it, does it? No. Cheese. Steak.

It’s important (at least to me) to well done the steak and add some salt and pepper. I also add some onion, and banana peppers. Right before it is done, push the whole mess into an oblong oval and top with provolone (I know real steaks come with Whiz, but I like provolone… most of the time). Let that melt, just like your cooking a cheeseburger. Slide the whole thing into your waiting, slightly warmed bun.

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I’m not a terribly religious person, but after eating this sandwich, I’m pretty sure I saw jesus.



Ok Listen;

TheFoodAss | General | Monday, May 14th, 2007

You order a 2 pizza’s, and breadsticks, and want it delivered. Your house is 6 miles one-way from the pizza shop. The total bill is $26.05.

Now if you were at the local JohnnyChiliBee’s you would pay at least a  $3.90 tip (15%) to your server on a $26.05 tab. That waitress works hard for her money, she took your order, walked 6 feet and plugged it into a computer. 8 minutes later she filled your drinks once, and then someone else… A “Foodrunner” brought you your food. When you needed Tabasco, the foodrunner got that too. The waitress checks on you once more, and refills your drinks again. She probably just earned a $3.95 tip (to round it off to $30) for her approximately 4 minutes of work.

Now, how the crap is it appropriate to NOT tip the person who quite literally risks their life in one of the most dangerous jobs in America, driving 6 miles each way, spends their own gas money, and takes 10 minutes of their time to bring you $26.05 worth of pizza.

I delivered 17 orders Saturday night, 9 people tipped me. W T F.



Twice now SD Card’d!

TheFoodAss | General | Wednesday, May 9th, 2007

Twice now, for two seperate new FoodAss.com posts I have been decimated by crappy SD card. Photo’s take, instant review and they are there, and then later, gone. I am switching cards back and forth a lot between 2 different cameras (still, and video) and they don’t seem to like it. I need to remember to format before each use in each device.

Anyway, the only thing I made that was worthwhile was this stuffed chicken breast jam for girlfriend. Pretty simple, I stuffed it with a smidge of goat cheese, and some tomato, and basil (I think?) and grilled the crap out of it. I thought it sucked, she said she loved it. I hate stuffed meat, she doesn’t. At least it seemed to make her happy!

Oh what else? erm.

Oh yea! We hit the beach, and then hit Sam’s Joint, a local chain with good ribs (supposedly, I’ve never been impressed) and an otherwise giant menu. (specialist in none sorta thing). This time though, I tried the St Louis style smoked ribs, instead of their “Famous” baby back bbq style jams. They were pretty good. I do not eat alot of bbq type meat and wish I did. It was good. Their sauce is mostly HFCS, that sucks.

OH! the other set of photo’s I lost was from the Ottawa tavern. A new (sorta) restaurant here in GR. It used to be called the BITE, and was smarmy with expensive martini’s and mean people. The owners re-did the joint with a whole new outlook. Now everything is under $5, beer is real cheap (like $1.50-$3.50) and there is a crapload of TV’s. I hate the TV’s, a lot, but the cheap beer, and 60 hamburger topping choice for $4.95 I’m totally down with. Now that I can sit outside, and avoid the TV’s and the fricken game, I’m there. I had snaps, I lost them. My bad.

I’m also working 25ish hours at the pizza store + my regular 40hr day job. 65 hour weeks weeee! Jimmy Johns > Cooking, this week.
This post is pointless without pics! yar!



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